Statements and Oneliners

• You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind..
• There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
• Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
• When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
• If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough.
• Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
• 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
• Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
• Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
• Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
• Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?