Statements and Oneliners

- You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind..
- There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are
yet to be discovered.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look
like umbrellas.
- When planets run around and around in circles, we say they
are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small
stain.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during
a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before
we met.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough.
- Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to
be lazy.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in
my nose.
- Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak?
- How come abbreviated is such a long word?
- If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be
twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
- Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know
the battery is dead?
- Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
- Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
- Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you
ask them what time it is?