General
Motors doesn't have a "help line" for
people who don't know how to drive, because people
don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine
if they did ...
===============================================================
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can
I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door,
and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition
slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws
current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine?
How come I have to know all of these technical terms
just to use my car?"
===============================================================
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can
I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and
now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little guage on the front
panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.'
Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does
that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit
a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline.
You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to
install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car!
Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more
components? I want a car that comes with everything
built in!"
===============================================================
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can
I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your car sucks!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed
the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor.
It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and
now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you
misuse the product. What do you expect us to do
about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the
latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!"
===============================================================
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can
I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car,
and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission,
cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and
power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can
I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just
want to go places in my car!"
