Exercise
Diary
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of
private lessons at the local health club. Though still
in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team
in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead
and try it. I called and made reservations with someone
named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased
with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
Day 1.
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my
progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough
to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club
and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess,
with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed
me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on
the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was
so high, but I think just standing next to her in that
outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching
the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did
my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little
from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her.
This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but
I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy
iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it,
for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth
it. Muscles feel GREAT.
Day 3.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth
brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try
to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a
little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering
the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so
I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine
to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention
of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make
me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full
snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it
took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me
to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb"
must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room
until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she
made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. If
there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would
hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to
work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't
have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor
don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility
for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to
blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher,
which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6.
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering
where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote
so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next
time my wife will give me something a little more fun,
like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.
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