1. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

2. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.

3. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

4. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

5. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

6. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.

8. Always scoot before licking.

9. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

10. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.

11. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

...and the Number 1 New Year's Resolution Made by Pets:

12. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.