If
Men Arranged Marriages
There
would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops
showed up.
Bridesmaids
would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter
tops.
They
would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than
not..
Tuxes
would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes
would have matching team colors.
June
weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
Vows
would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit
that "forsaking all others" part.
The
couple would leave the ceremony in a souped-up '73
Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and
flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet,
a Harley!
Idiots
who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were
really old) would get punched in the head.
Big,
slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best
Man."
There
would be "Tailgate Receptions."
Outdoor
weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time
or between innings.
Ceremonies
would be short and honeymoons would be long.
Ceremonies
and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the
cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers
and liquor really does add up.
Men
wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The
burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just
grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
Favors
would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink
passes at the local lounge.
The
bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and
be form-fitted to her ass.
Instead
of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a
hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza, and plenty
of bar-b-que.
No
one would bother with that veil routine. But they
would insist that the garter be as high up on her
leg as it could go.
The
bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding
(what's the difference) or something.
Invitations
would read as follow: Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the
old ball and chain. He's getting married. He either: A)
Knocked her up, B) Couldn't get a different roommate,
or C) Caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman
who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his life
at Soldier Field Stadium On the 50-Yard Line at Half-time
during Sunday's Game Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge
after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah...
B.Y.O.B.
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