Housekeeping
Simplified
Vacuuming
too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a
serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone
mentions Carpet Fresh.
Dust
bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed.
Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands"
and claim an ecological exemption.
Layers
of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful
filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun.
Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
Cobwebs
artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from
the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If
your spouse points out that the light fixtures need
dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And
spoil the mood?"
In
a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower
of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair
provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby
reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you
say this.
Explain
the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways
by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing
hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
If
unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly
into one room and close the door. As you show your guests
through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously,
fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den,
but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO
expensive."
If
dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy
urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where
Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
Don't
bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty
wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster
a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week
before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the
heart to clean it..."
Mix
one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with
four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly.
Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop
an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and
sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere...
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