The
Real Man Test
Alien
beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
and you are the first human they encounter. As a token
of intergalactic friendship, they present you with
a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is
capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty,
and permanently eliminating oppression and violence
all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United
Nations.
C. Take it apart.
As
you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful
life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
When
is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection
without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and
this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him
know that, for business reasons, you have to have
him killed.
What
about hugging another male?
A. If he’s your father and at least one of you has
a fatal disease.
B. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And
even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I
am just dislodging food trapped in this male’s trachea!
I am not in any way aroused!"
C. If you’re a professional baseball player and a
teammate hits a home run to win the World Series,
you may hug him provided that:
1. He is legally within the
base path,
2. Both of you are wearing
protective cups, and
3. You also pound him fraternally
with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
Complete
this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
A. ...remember the deceased and console his loved
ones.
B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly
life.
C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s
disease and cancer.
In
your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
You
have been seeing a woman for several years. She is
attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being
with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of
you are taking it easy-you’re watching a football
game; she’s reading the papers-when she suddenly,
out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks
she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the
uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship
is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want
to get married; only whether you believe that you
have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have
a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for
her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready
anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you
don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw
play on third and seventeen.
Okay,
so you have decided that you truly love a woman and
you want to spend the rest of your life with her -
sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and
the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities
that the world has to offer, come what may. How do
you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her
after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and
you say her name, and when she turns to you, with
the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her
eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
One
weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and
asks you to get your three children ready for school.
Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They’re in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
When
is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and
developed new holes so large that you’re not sure
which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear
molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear.
A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and
we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-is
quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she
is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have
a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
What,
in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation
for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over
the place for forty years before they finally got
to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised
Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
What
is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
How to Score...
Give yourself one point for every time you picked
answer "C."
Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the Alzheimer’s
joke.
A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.
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