Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand.

"Is THIS," she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?"

"Honey, let me explain..."

"Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -"

"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids."