Drinking
Fault Finder
A
solution to all of your drinking troubles
Symptom:
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt
front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied
to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front
of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary
until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom:
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer
unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another
pint.
Symptom:
Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing
at ceiling.
Symptom:
Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After
a while complain to its owner about its lack of house
training.
Symptom:
Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of
your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another
pint.
Symptom:
Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe
due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom:
Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to
another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being
hi-jacked.
Symptom:
The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has
a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one
is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not,
get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom:
Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of
teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom:
You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet.
You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening
time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom:
Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The bar is closing.
Solution: Panic.
