YOUR NEW COMPUTER

Congratulations. You have purchased an Anthrax/2000 Multimedia 615X Personal Computer with Digital Doo-dah Enhancer. It will give years of faithful service if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a bonus pack of pre-installed software: "Lawn Mowing Planner", "Mr. Arty Farty", "Blank Screen Saver" and "East Africa Route Finder" which will provide hours of pointless diversion while using up most of your spare memory.

So turn the page and let's get started!

GETTING READY

Congratulations. You have successfully turned the page and are ready to proceed.

Important Meaningless Note: The Anthrax/2000 is configured to use 80386, 214j10 or higher processors running at 2,472 hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installations and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of your refrigerator is ideal.

Unpack the box and examine its contents. (Warning: do not open box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve working months.)

The contents of the box should contain some of the following: monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2 1/2 inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 page "Owner's Manual"; "Short Guide To Owner's Manual"; "Quick Guide To The Short Guide To The Owner's Manual"; "The Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide For People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient Or Stupid"; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish, and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of styrofoam packing material.

SOMETHING THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU IN THE SHOP

Because of the additional power needs of the pre-installed bonus software, you will need to acquire Anthrax/2000 auxiliary software upgrade pack, a 50 megahertz oscillator, 2,500 mega-gigabytes of additional memory and an electrical substation.

SETTING UP

Congratulations. You are ready to set up. If you have not yet acquired a degree in electrical engineering, now is the time to do so.

Connect the monitor cable (A) to portside outlet unit (D); attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo-channel (G); plug three-pin mouse cable into keyboard housing unit (make extra hole if necessary). Alternatively plug all the cables into likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens.

Additional Important Meaningless Note: The wires in the ampule modulator unit are marked as follows according to international convention:

blue = neutral or live yellow = live or blue blue and live = neutral and green black = instant death (except where prohibited by law.)

Switch the computer on. Your hard drive will automatically download (allow three to five days). When downloading is complete, your screen will say "Yeah, what?"

Now it is time to install your software. Insert disc A (marked "Disc D" or "Disc G") into drive slot B or J and type "Hello! Anybody home?" At the DOS command prompt, enter your license verification number. Your license verification number can be found by entering your certified user number, which can be found by entering your license verification number. If you are unable to find your license verification or certified user numbers call the software support line. (Please have your license verification and certified user numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)

If you have not yet committed suicide, insert Installation Diskette 1 in drive slot 2 or vice versa and follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software modification some instructions will appear in Romanian.) At each prompt, reconfigure the specified file path, double click on the launch button icon and type "C:/>" followed by the birthdates of all the people you have ever known.

Your screen will now say "Invalid file path. Whoa! Abort or continue?" Warning: selecting "continue" may result in irreversible file compression, loss of memory and a default overload in the hard drive. On the other hand, selecting "abort" will require you to start the whole tedious, maddening process over again. Your choice.

When the smoke has cleared insert Disc A2 (marked "Disc A1") and repeat as directed with all 187 of the other discs.

When installation is complete, return to file path and type your name, address and credit card number and press "send". This will automatically register you for our free software prize "Blank Screensaver IV: Nighttime in Deep Space" and allow us to pass your name to lots of computer magazines, on-line services and other commercial enterprises who will be getting in touch with you shortly.

Congratulations. You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start.

WRITING A LETTER

Type "Dear" and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write "yours sincerely" followed by your own name. Congratulations.

SAVING A FILE

To save your letter, select file menu. Choose Retrieve from sub-directory A, enter a backup file number and place an insertion point beside the macro dialogue button. Select secondary text box from the merge menu and double click on the supplementary cleared document window. Assign the tile cascade to the merge file and insert in a text equation box. Alternatively write the letter with a pen and put it in a drawer.

ADVICE ON USING THE SPREADSHEET FACILITY

Don't.

TROUBLESHOOTING SECTION

You will have many, many problems with your new computer. Here are some common problems and their solutions.

Problem: My computer won't turn on.
Solution: Check your computer is plugged in; check to make sure the power button is in the ON position; check cables for damage; dig up underground cables in your garden to check for damage; drive into the country and check electricity pylons for fallen wires; call hotline.

Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution: Turn the keyboard the right way up.

Problem: My mouse won't drink its water or go on it spinning wheel.
Solution: Try a high protein diet.

Problem: I keep getting a message saying "Non-System General Protection Fault".
Solution: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any annoying messages will disappear.

Problem: My computer is a piece of useless junk.
Solution: Congratulations. You are now ready to upgrade to an Anthrax/3000 Turbo model or a pen and paper.