You've Drank Too Much When...

* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's
   not plugged in.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
* Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You're up to four heart attacks a day.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your Coffee Mate.
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
* You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!
* You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize:
   you left your car at home!